Balancing Sports and Family: Learning To Say No Is Critical

Despite research showing that parents intuitively know how to balance their child's development, more and more mothers seem to be ignoring their own intuition, over scheduling, over-stressing their child in ways that are actually harmful to healthy growth.

• The Guilts. Parents these days seem to have a serious case of the "guilts." In her controversial book, Perfect Madness, Judith Warner describes "a choking cocktail of guilt and anxiety and resentment and regret," which she says is "poisoning motherhood for American women today." It's a "culture of total motherhood," she writes, "that demands the suppression of mothers' ambitions -- unless those ambitions were directed toward getting Jackson into the best preschool in town or helping Maya score a better grade on her social studies test. Stay-at-home mothers are made to feel inadequate if they want too much time away from their kids. Working mothers are giving up on careers, either because the cost of child care proves prohibitive or because they can't tune out the guilt. Many end up living a souped-up version of a June Cleaver lifestyle, complete with breadwinner dad and PTA-obsessed mother, all the while reassuring themselves that this was their choice. Their toned-down expectations and low-level resentment manifest themselves in sexless marriages and increased rates of depression."

• The Mommy Myth. In their book, The Mommy Myth, authors Susan Douglas and Meredith Michaels expose this media- generated "new momism" as "a set of ideals ... that seem on the surface to celebrate motherhood, but which in reality promulgate standards of perfection that are beyond [a mother's] reach."

• The Mommy Mystique. In other words, parents too often feel that if they don't do everything for their child, they are bad parents. It is a myth, labeled by one the "Mommy Mystique", that the more you do for your child the better. What is good for Mom and Dad is not necessarily best for the child as well. As author Mimi Doe says, "Just because our own lives might be frenetic with work, family, and the endless tasks of daily life, doesn't mean that we should program our kids into that rhythm."

• "Yes" versus "No" Women. Pollsters Celinda Lake and Kellyanne Conway observe in their book, What Women Really Want, that "Today's time-pressed woman is trying to learn to say ‘No,' in contrast to the ‘Yes' woman of previous generations of wives, mothers, workers and managers." Lake and Conway predict that, in the future, "Women will reclaim face-time with their families, workplaces, and communities, pushing for techno-etiquette (no ipods at the dinner table, no cell phones at cocktail parties and weddings, no Blackberries on vacation)," and that "‘Just say no' will become the mantra of the over-scheduled, guilt-trapped yeah sayers, as women who chronically do choose to do-not."

Learning to Say No

The bottom line is that you need to have the courage to say "No." Be honest with yourself and your children and, if you and/or your child are overextended, recognize the toll sports is taking on you and on your family instead of feeling guilty and worrying that if you don't do everything possible for your child, don't go the extra mile, your kids will suffer, will be deprived, or will fall behind his peers.

Sometimes the best thing a parent can do for a child is nothing. Children are not miniature adults. There will be plenty of time for them to be stressed and over-worked when they actually are adults. You need to have the courage to trust your instincts, just let your kid be a kid, to say no:

• To your child: If your child asks whether she can play a certain sport, or join another team, get private coaching, etc. don't say yes immediately; tell her you need time to think before making a decision. If your child is invited to try out or join a select team before grade seven, politely decline the invitation. Instead of simply automatically writing checks, be more selective about what sports and other activities you underwrite.

• To yourself: Give yourself permission to miss a game or two. It is healthy for your child to understand that the family doesn't revolve completely around her, that there is no limit to what you do for her. Parents who never miss a practice or game may actually being doing more harm than good: demonstrating a level of commitment to their child that is higher than what is appropriate for their healthy growth and development.

• To the coach: If you feel your child is over-scheduled, if you think it is more important for your son to attend a family wedding or cultural event, have the courage to say no to the coach, even if it means that your child will be penalized. Again, trust your instincts. You know what is best for your child and family.

Remember, though, if you say no, you will probably have a lot of explaining to do to your child. She might think you are sending her mixed signals: on the one hand telling her that playing sports teaches her valuable life lessons, especially commitment and sacrifice, but on the other telling her that, because you have decided to go on a family vacation during spring break, she won't be able to join her soccer team for a tournament.

Adapted from the book, Home Team Advantage: The Critical Role of Mothers in Youth Sports (HarperCollins 2006) by Brooke de Lench.